Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Mah Freeyind Bobe!

Weeyill, ahm steeyill own mah quest for a baiter jobe.

Bah "quest" ah mean, ahm sittin arowund and complayinin about how much eeyit sucks at mah jobe and note actually applahyin for jobes -- becaws that wode take effort!

Ah just tawked tew mah friend Bobe up here, he eeyis soaw nahs. He's pretty much the ownly wone who stops tew speak tew me eeyin the moarning! (Theeyis could be becaws ah complained tew his supervahsor that he never stopped to speak to me -- but who cares, eeyit woarked!)

Ah was talelin Bobe about how much eeyit sucks, and how ahd raither be a substitute teacher than woark here. He's so nahs -- he encouraged me to dew eeyit! Actually, he encouraged me tew dew anything pose-ible tew git out of here! He really lahks me and wonts me tew be happy!

Even when ah was keeyiddin about how ah was goan to becomb a prostitute, Bobe encouraged me tew go for eeyit (sometahms he's note so braht). That's actually kahnd oaf werd noaw that ah think about eeyit. huh. lol

Eeyin oather news, ah just took mah temperature and eeyit's 97.0 degrees. Ah keep mah thermoameter up here at woark just eeyin cayis ah git real seeyick and need tew goaw hoam.

Weyill, ah theeyink ah better cawl mah moam and tell her about mah latest bowel moavement -- eeyit's mah favorite part oaf the day (hers tew!).

Ah hope mah moam doan't ever dah.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Mah Loang Toang!

Ah loave a stayiff meeting. Yew knoaw whah?

Becawse everywone loaves me! And they loave listening toaw me tawk! So ah just tawk tawk tawk and the reason noaw wone laughs is that they caint becawse we are eeyin a meeting.

Toaday ah knoacked mahself out with mah antics. Ah pretended to keeyick mah bose's chayir and when the meeting speaker man sayid something about poe-wer customer service, ah pointed to the back of her haid.

Also, becaws ah am a genius, ah kept muttering funny theeyings about mah woarkplace! Lahk "theeyis place sucks" and "we ain't goat no customer service here" and stuff. Ah am conefident that mah supervisor couldn't hair me, even though she turned around and gave me a look a cople tahms.

At the beginning oaf the meeting, ah sayid something soaw funny that ah haid to stick mah toang out eeyin delaht! Mah toang eeyis very raid and loang. Ah naiver noticed how loang eeyit was befower today. Ahm goan to enter a loang toang cone-test! Ah bet ahd weeyin!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Brayikdayoon!

Ahm havin a nervous brayikdayoon!

Ah have soaw much work tew dew! An ah am seriously reconsiderin mah whoale plote to get reed of mah bose. Ah have doan a terrible thing.

Befower, ah had awl the tahm eeyin the world to read ownlahn about mah diseases an play mah ownlahn gayims. But noaw, mah new supervahsor makes me woark!

And the wurst part eeyis thayat she keeps correcting me when ah fuck up! Which eeyis every day! Yesterday ah gote cawled eeyin tew her oh-fis TWAHCE for messing stuff up. Thiyis moarnin she has already been own me. Ah hate theeyis place!

But ah am looking for anoather jobe. Ah keep cawling places, an ah doan't qualifah foar the jobes. Then I hang up, cawl mah moam, and complain that thoase places are racist becaws they doan't wont me. Ah noaw eeyif ah was a different coeler ah wouldn't have theeyis probelem. The world eeyis out to git me. First, ah gote awl mah diseases, and noaw ah have to woark hard instead of sitting own mah behind awl day. It's NOTE FAIR.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Soame Things Ah Have Sayid Theeyis Afternoon.

1.
(whal flipping owf coworker) Seeyit and speeyun!

2.
(durin thunderstoworm) Have yawl ever heard the urban legend that whayen eeyit thunders, eeyit's just Goad bowling?

3.
(after pretayindin toaw be in a faht with coworker) Ah may be showart, but ahm full of eeyit!

Friday, August 05, 2005

A joake!

Ah toald this gah ah work with, Mah moam and ah sang soalow at the church.

He said, really?

Ah said, Yayeh, soalow noaw-wone can hear us!

Editor's note: True story.

Goad Knoaws.

Today, mah freeyind Mashayelle wose telling me about how her husband's freeyind dod, and how her husband had to see the bodey bayig. We had theeyis cone-versation:

Doag: Oaaaaoow, thayit's sooooooaw sayid. Ahm goan to put heeyis nayim own the prar list!
Michelle: I ain't knowing his last name, but his first name is--
Doag: (interrupting) GOAD KNOAWS HIS NAYIM, Mashayelle. GOAD KNOAWS HIS NAYIM.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Tew Theeyings.

Wone:
Ah jus cawled mah freeyind and asked her if she ever hayid an ovayreeyin ceeyist. She sade yase and ah asked her whad eeyit felt lahk. Then ah got really sayid becaws ah doan't theeyink ah have wone, and ah am always own the lookout for more diseases. Ah have a payin eeyin mah bodey and eeyit goes down mah laig.

Ah lahk to tawk real loud about mah diseases at work. Ah hope people know that ah do theeyis so that thell tawk to me. It don't work that well.

Tew:
Ah announced the weener of the display cayis theme contayist! The theme was:
Wone mayin's trayish eeyis another mayin's trayshur.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Uh-oaaaw.

Thar's somethin werd goan own eeyin mah department. Callie eeyis bein nahs to me.

Yesterday she was woaken around given people Blow-Pops and she stopped in mah cube and offered me wone.

Ah asked, "Are they roaten?"

She said, "No, they're grape. I don't like the grape ones."

Ah cautiously took wone but then ah ate it raht away. Ah hate her, but ah was real glad she tawked to me. It was the first tahm she's tawked to me eeyin, lemmee see, nahn months or soaw.

Ah have awl kahnds of dreams about us beeyin freeyinds. We can have a slumber party with our doags and maybe do each other's hayir.

Own second thote, ah just remembered that Callie is a germaphobe. Thar's noaw way she'd touch mah hayir, and we knoaw thar's noaw way ahd ever wash eeyit.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Soaw, the first day without mah dumb-ayis old supervahsor eeyis NOTE going as planned.

We had a meeting with our new supervahsor, Ms. B, today, and ah was prepared to stretch owit and relax as Callie was assahned LOATS more work. Ah mean, she has a master's degree and awl--and ah doan't! Ah git excluded AWL THE TAHM becaws ah doan't have that dang master's degree, soaw oafiously ah should have the least to do.

But git this: Ms. B only gave Callie WONE new tayisk (and that one after Callie said she'd do eeyit--SUCK UP) and she gave me lahk FAHV. They are all very important, though. Lahk once a week ah goaw to Ms. B's oawfice and peeyick up a boax. Then ah take the boax to Callie's oawfice. Ah am soaw important!!

**BREAKING NEWS**
**TRANSCRIPT FROM ACTUAL DOAG LOAVER PHONE CONVERSATION HAPPENING NOW**

"Hey moam. Ah wonted to tell you ah ate good luyinch today. Ah went to the Western Sizzlin and ah had shrimp and baked potatoaw and um ah had texas toawist and ahm gettin some information from soam people and ah feel better today. Yeeya, ah didn't eat good yesterday becaws ah hurt. Ah had to take two payin peeyills. Yeeya, ahm havin some nerve trouble today.
Ah loave you. Bah."