Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Beeyig News!

Ah have some beeying news tew report!

Last week, ah had an intervew with an "enrollment owficer" from a very prestigious ownlahn college! Thar so important they only owfer classes ownlahn! Ah didn't knoaw they made you have an intervew for 2 hours on the phoan, but that must mean thar even mower important.

Some of the things ah toald the enrollment owficer:

--"Ah currently have three uncurable diseases at the moment."
--"In coallege, ah never meeyissed. One day we had a snow day, and ah refused to take it. Ah went to class and no one was there. Then one day ah did meeyiss and mah teacher cawled me becawse she knew ah never meeyissed clayis."
--"Ah wont to do school ownlahn becawse ah wouldn't have to get dressed or shelve books."
--"Ah think mah coworkers would say ahm dependable and a hard worker."
--"Ah have a passion for children."
--"Ah have a passion for learning."
--"Ah have a passion for children."

At the eyind of mah interview, guess what? Ah goat eeyin!

But then ah went to thar website and found out that you have to have proof that you're emploweed full-tahm to go thar. And the oanly reason ah wont to go to school is to quit mah joab. The enrollment owficer cawled me the next day and ah cut her owf: ah said "ahm not goan to be able to do eeyit, bah" and hung up.

So noaw ahm back to squar one. Ahm goan to see about being a teacher again. Eeyits goan to be so much easier than mah joab noaw.

Ah mean, noaw, here are mah duties:

8:01 Turn own copy machine.
8:02 Turn own computer.
8:03 Print something out and give to supervahsor.
8:04-12:30 Participate in ownlahn games.
12:30-1:30 Lunch.
1:30 Cawl moam and complain about ailments.
1:32-3:00 Participate in ownlahn games.
3:00-3:15 Break.
3:16-4:55 Participate in ownlahn games.
4:56 Turn owf copy machine.
4:57 Turn owf computer.
4:58 Leave.

Ah have it soaw rough!

Some days ah mix eeyit up a beeyit, and add "report coworkers for coming back from lunch 2 minutes late" or "write letter of complaint about how mah department doesn't include me in casual conversation." Noaw lah, ahve done BOATH of those things!

Well, ah just made it to the Ruby Palace (Level 4.8), soaw ah better get back to mah game!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Taking eeyit easy.

Goad, ah haven't written in so loang!

But seeyince ah've cawled eeyin seeyick AGIN today, ah have plenty of tahm to write!

There's a project at work that ah doan't know how to dew, so ahm cawling eeyin seeyick a few days each weeyick unteeyill other people get it done. Ah think mah plan is foolproof. Ah deeyid theeyis last week, too. lol

So yesterday we had a staff meeting, and since everyone loaves me and thinks ahm a comic genius ah had loats of comments while the head boss was tawking!

Example:
Boss: So instead of just being bad off, it turns out that we're poor.
Me: Noaw, we're PO! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, PO! PO!! PO!!
(no one laughs)

Ah said a BUNCH of things lahk thayit. Ah think no one laughed because they were scayerd of the boss, but ah knoaw people lahk me and besahds, ah cain't get fahred!

Ah woark way too hard around here turning people in for being late coming back from lunch or for tawking to people in other departments (noaw, really: ah turned someone in just last week for thayit!). Ahm very valuable. And there's always mah display cayis. They couldn't live without thayit.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Mah Display Cayis.

First, let me tell yawl what's eeyin mah display cayis--remember, the theme eeyis "chick lit" and "uh....books that gahs lahk."

Ah lahk to put some dew-dayids around the books ah choose. Ah think eeyit looks really professional.

Own the girl sahd of the cayis:
nail polish (3)
banana cleeyip
powder (kahnda crusty leeyid--must've speeyilled own eeyit)
owld brush
Alpha Hydroxy mask (mower crust own the bottle--don't knoaw what that eeyis)
curling arn (with burnt-own hair spray)
meer

Own the boy sahd of the cayis:
strahped tah
golf balls (3)
watch
microcassette recoarder (ah think this is genius! boys love microcassette recoarders!)
lahter
matchbox cawer
razor
owld cell phone (beeyig as mah hayid)
ah-dee bracelet

Ah think it's mah best yet! Ahm thinking noaw what to put eeyin the next one. Y'all have any suggestions?

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Ahm awl fahred up today.

Ahm not sure what eeyit eeyis, but ahm rahled up beeyig tahm today.

First, ah have toald own the receptionist. She cawled eeyin seeyick, but she didn't cawl her supervahsor. (Later ah found out that her supervahsor isn't heeyer, but ah doan't care--it was after ah toald own her!)

Secondly, the lady with the tahny ass who feeyills eeyin fore the receptionist eeyis mah friend. Sure, once ah toald own her, too, because she was wearing a skort and thoase are against our dress code, but she doesn't knoaw thayit. Anyway, we tawked bayid about the receptionist for lahk, 15 whole minutes this moarning. Ah used my special voice to indicate that ah was tawking about someone ah hate. Eeyit's real fake sweeyit and sugary. Ah bet you'd lahk eeyit!

Oh! Ah haven't repoarted my latest display case ahtems! Ah have really outdone mahself this tahm!

Mah theme is: chick lit, and books that gahs lahk. (Ah overheard that girl ah hate call it the "perpetuating gender stereotypes display," but ah doan't knoaw what any of thoase words mean.) Ah'll tell y'all what all ah have eeyin thayer later. Ah have to go tell own someone else noaw. Ah think ah just saw a safety violation!