Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Ahm SO soarry ah haven't written!! lol

Ah have loats of greyit news to repowort!!

One, ah LOAVE the new Britney and Kevin show! Kevin is so fahn! Ah doan't think he looks like a gila monster at awl. Ah think it's so cool that they're so in love and so oapen with their secksuality. Ah mean, one day, if ah ever have secks, ah want to be like them!!

Oh! Mah moam said that she'll bah me a camcorder this weekend so ah can start recoarding mah thoughts like BritBrit! There's oanly one condition: ah have to stop cawling her so often! It's a deal!!

Two, ahm thinking of switching careers. Ahm beginning to think that maybe it's a good ahdea if ah doan't woark with the public. Ah have discovered that ah hate people. Instead, ahm goan to become a teacher. Ahm smarter than thoase keeyids and they woan't be able to tell me ahm wroang all the tahm!

Ahm sick of teachers bitching about their powor pay here--they doan't even woark all year! Bein a teacher is goan to be so easy. An I get mah summers owf to spend with mah doag!!

Friday, May 20, 2005

Sleeping with Mah Doag!!

Wail, the weekend's almost here, and ahm looking foarwoard to a weekend of sleeping with mah doag.

Last weekend--ah was soaw mad!!--mah dumb Daydy woake me up aroand noowin on Saturday afternoon!! Eeyit was mah oanly chayance to catch uhp own sleep. Stupid Daydy didn't even think of thayit befoyer he came oaver and mode mah lawn!! JERK.

Ah mean, couldn't he have cawled?

Eeyin other news, ah broake mah no hayer-washing vayow the other day, but ahm back own track noaw.

Yawl have a good weekend!! LOL!! :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Ah ween!

Soaw whal a few people have been goan this week, there've been some changes in mah department.

First, ah get controwal oaver everyone's woark! Ah mean, sort of. Everybody used to be responsible for recoarding their own woark een this boo-ik. Now they have to turn in their woark to me and ah record eeyit!!

Dew yew knoaw what this means? Ah can throw away requests as ah see feeyit!

And doan't yew think ah woan't do eeyit. Ah mean, people here really lahk me. And trust me. And whah would ah wont to proave that ahm not a total fucking moa-roan? Ahm goan to fuck mah department up beeyig tahm. This weeyill be the revenge ah was trahn to think up last week!! LOL. No: no LOL. Ahm serious.

Ah laughed real lowid and blew mah stanky breath own this beeyitch girl in mah meeting, tew. Ah was laughing becaws mah supervahsor toald her a thang or tew.

Beeyitch Gurl: Wow, so-and-so has such a paranoid, panicked way of management.
Mah Supervahsor: Oh really, gosh, we haven't thought of that. No, it never would've occured to me. Wow, you've really figured that out. How'd you do it? I mean, wow, you're a genius.

Eeyit was oh-some. Ahm the queen of mah department!! That beeyitch gurl is goan DAY-OON.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Make a Yelloaw Puddle!! LOL

Eeyit's beeyin soooaw loang since ah have written!

Let's see...weyell, this beeyitch ah work with has been goan all week, thank gawd! LOL. And yesterday, some lady cawled for her and ah toald her ah would give her the message. And ah didn't! But dammit, the lady cawled back and toald her she tawked to me. Ah heard the beeyitch own the phone and ah knew she wonted the message, but ah just sat here. Then that beeyitch came around when she came into mah cube ah handed it to her without her asking. Ah thought that made it look like ah was smart but later ah realized it made it look like ah didn't wont to help her.

A few minutes ago ah was in a meeting and after someone said that they were trapped bah the copy machine yesterday and couldn't even gew to the bathroom, ah said, "Grab a Mountain Dew and make a yelloaw puddle!!!" and then ah laughed and laughed!! Everyone else sat there.

When the person said, shhh, so-and-so will hear you, ah yelled, "AH DOAN'T CARE! If she fahrs me it'll be a blessing!!" LOL. Ah really said that.

Ah got a good look at mahself last time ah went to the bathroom, and ah look especially hideous today.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Mah Update.

Soaw mah supervahsor cawled me this morning and said we were havin a meeting at tew today, but ah thought it was goana be a little meeting like just in mah department. We have these meetings awl the tahm to goaw oaver something stupid ah've done. GAWD!! They expect me to remember how to do mah joab! Ah mean really.

Soaw the meeting was at 2, but ah forgot. And mah supervahsor had to come get me, and then ah realized it was in the boardroom, and then ah thought to mahself, ah really, really wish ah'd washed mah hair this morning.

Ah got there and there were several people there: mah supervahsor and mah supervahsor's supervahsor. Uh-oaw. Ah managed to keep it together and not scream at them during the meeting (they toald me that ahm not dewing mah joab! and when ah dew it ah dew it wroang! bitches) but noaw ah am planning revenge. Ahm not sure what ahm goana dew, but theyir halfway to fahring me and ah caint let them goaw awl the way.

Ahve gotten fahred from my last three joabs. Ah cain't believe the world is full of sew many BITCHES.

Any suggestions for what ah can dew to get back at them?
After an oh-some weekend of stayin in bayid with mah doag, ah had to git up and come to work today. Ah am staying in mah cube as loang as possible becawse ah doan't wont to remahnd people that ah exist.

Ahm not worried though! Mah freeyind, who runs the place, is back and now noaw wun can git me in trouble!!

Oaw, wayit. Ah just got a cawl. Someone wonts to tawk to me.

Ahll give y'all an update when ah knoaw something.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

AHM SO SMART

Soaw ah told yew yesterday that mah supervisor is mayid becaws ah didn't cawl that lady back. Ah saw her working own something all day yesterday and heard beeyits of conversation and ah knoaw eeyit's about me.

The other problem is that mah #1 freeyind here, who is hah up and protects me everytime ah fuck up, is goan unteeyil next week sometahm, ah think Monday.

Soaw, becaws ah knoaw that mah supervisor is goan to turn me eeyin today, ah cawled eeyin seeyick! For two days! Cawling eeyin seeyick in advance is a genius moave own mah part.

What's better is that me and mah doag can cuddle in bayid fower a fower-day weekend!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Mah New Free-yinds!!! :)

Today ah mayid a new free-yind.

Some people think she's annoying, the way she stops in yer cube and stays for, like, an hour, running her mouth and catching her bray-ith, but ah think they're PREJUDICED against her because she is a beeyig lady. By beeyig ah mean obeeyis.

Ah also made friends with a gah. Ah lured him into conversation by asking him about basketbawul. Some people may think that's RACIST but ah knoaw what men like him are interested in.

Ah also have discovered that ah can tawk in a sexy voyis. Ah just pretend ahm Demi Mower and mah voice gets all scratchy. Ah lahk it.

Downward Spahral.

So last week some lady cawled me and asked me to look something up for her and ah was lahk "uh yeah ah'l get back to yew." LOL.

Ah never called her bayick, of coworse, because my job is haward.

So today she cawled agin but she tawked to mah supervisor (the one ah told off yesterday!!) and whut a bitch, the lady said that ah never called her bayick! BITCH!! Ah mean, ah know it's true but give me a break. Ah am so busy playing this online gayim where ahm a princess. Ah do not have tahm to answer questions.

Ah heard mah supervisor tawking about me. Ah have a feeling she's goan to turn me eeyin. Ahm not worried cawse ah have friends hah up at this playis.

Oaaow, ah forgot that yesterday ah was tawking to someone about calling in a boamb threat!! Wouldn't that be fuyin!! LOL.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Ahm Still So Mad!!!

Except ah can't tell you whah.

Ah called someone pretty hah up and toald him ah had some concerns. Then ah stomped down to his office.

Ah mean, it's obvious ahm talking about the injustices ah suffer, but you'll have to wayit to hear which injustice ah was complaining about.

P.S. Ah called mah moam again and this time she answered.
P.S.S. Mah hair is sooaw dirty!!! It's oh-some.
Today ah got sooo mad!!!

Mah supervisor toald me ah did something wroang, so ah yelled at her!!! Ah was like, look, ah doan't have to do whut you say!!! Ah also stuttered as ah said it.

Then ah talked to mahself for awhile. Ah have a very quiet voice so ah knoaw noaw-one heard me.

Ah tried to call mah moam but she just got caller ah-dee and ah think it's messed up her phone lahn.

Ah Say, Ah Say.

Welcome to mah bloag.

Ahm devoting this space to telling y'all about how ah don't warsh mah hair, how ah am treated lahk sheeyit at mah job, and mah ailments.

Please bear with mah dialect. Ah know ah suck.